I AM BALLS: Tales that crush impostor syndrome
I shot a wedding the day after my father died.
His illness progressed rapidly at a certain point and the week prior to the wedding it was suggested to seek palliative care. As the week progressed and we weren’t sure what was going to happen, I swore my family to secrecy: If anything happens the day of the wedding, do not call me, and social media is silent (I had younger nieces that I worried would post about grandpa.)
The plan went out the window that late Thursday night when he passed.
I felt torn apart and against a wall. But in my heart I knew 2 things:
My father, whom I call the “OP” - the original photographer in my family (he was a hobbyist), would have wanted me to keep going
I could not in good faith cancel or change things on this couple at such a late time
While my situation was terrible, I couldn’t conceive of calling the B&G a day before their wedding to say my dad had died. I knew them personally through my sister’s good friend, and didn’t want to cloud their day with my tragedy.
With the help of my second who was also a friend, I sucked it up and shot the wedding. Actually, it was good to close my grief into a little box for even just a short while, with it being so overwhelming in those tender first days of this kind of news. I put on my big girl pants, resolved to do the hard thing, and helped make a couple’s day very special. It felt important for me to do that for them on that one day, as I knew there would be more than enough days of grieving ahead.
Seven years have passed
I’ve gone on to have a career in photography, and developed this marketing education platform. As many of you know, this site and brand is undergoing a major overhaul. I’ve spend the last 6 months reflecting and building what I believe to be the evolution of this brand.
Impostor syndrome has never been as bad for me as others, but I’ve had my moments of feeling like a fraud. I think we all have, but many to a debilitating degree. When we venture into unknown territory, we all feel a little unsure and wonder what the heck we are doing, and that’s actually a positive clue that we’re going after something we’re passionate about. But impostor syndrome can cause real damage in having us price ourselves low, allowing others to step on us, allowing us to believe the criticism of others and to cause doubt that we can be successful and talented photographers running successful and thriving businesses.
So here I am. I just invested a good chunk of money into hiring my brand designer. I’m in the process of booking a branding photoshoot. I’m about to pull the trigger to buy the more expensive website and software package to allow for building courses. It’s scary! I’ve been working through my mild impostor syndrome by reading books on mindset, money, success and personal development.
I am balls
I was waiting in the car last week, outside my teenage daughter’s dance studio. I’m there often as she’s in studio 4 days a week. I take that time usually to catch up on social media, or listen to an audiobook. This night, I did nothing, wanting a silent break.
My mind wandered to thoughts about whether I’m kidding myself to build this marketing brand into something wildly successful. I feel so excited about it, but is it all in my own head and others would find it ridiculous? Or worse, underwhelming? The imposter was nudging me. And then suddenly, my mind called up the memory of shooting that wedding a day after my father died. Back then I just got through it, and was too distraught to dissect it. But now, years later, alone in the car, this thought came: I AM BALLS.
Sounds funny, I know - not I had the balls, but I AM BALLS. When we say we have balls to do something, it means bravery. I AM BRAVE. I found resolve and strength to ensure this wedding wasn’t affected by my personal life, that the couple was given the day they deserve. I did that. I was strong. I overcame terrible circumstances, steeled my nerves, steadied my emotions. I was capable of doing a hard thing. Whatever this force is — bravery, energy, power, adrenaline — it’s inside of me; part of me. It shares space with the impostor. If they are both there, I can choose one. I choose BALLS.
I am brave
I have these kinds of ‘statements’ dished out to me once in a while. Usually while falling asleep. I call them epiphanies, and will talk more about them when I reveal my branding journey. But as I reflected that night in bed, and then next morning while journalling, I thought that perhaps my dad, the OP, was sending me a message. That he called forth that memory to remind me that I am strong and capable. That he is proud of me. That I can succeed. That I have permission to let go of any of the negative beliefs about success that I may have inherited from him, as he was a loving but hard man who had had a hard life, always against the system.
More memories came to reinforce the anti-impostor. When my daughter was born, I wanted to be home with her longer than maternity leave, so my husband and I agreed to move back to my home city where daycare was subsidized and we had more family support. We uprooted a life of over 15 years to relocate for the betterment of our family. BALLS.
When I came upon photography and started some courses, I learned of a 2-year night school photography program subsidized by the government. The catch?Full time in order to qualify for the subsidy. I made the decision to do it and spent 4 semesters learning my trade. 900 hours of class and studio education plus added hours for more studio practice, large-format printing, and homework shooting assignments. I had a 4-year old at home, while working 3 days a week. BALLS.
Annihilate the impostor
That night in the car changed me. I saw quite clearly that we all have bravery and strength inside of us, but somehow we’re more dismissive of all of the moments when we shine, and we allow the impostor to nag and poke at us at all times. Why? Humans are funny. I no longer want to, or will tolerate, being dismissive of my own achievements and my drive for success.
There are many more examples where I’ve found strength to get through something, to make a hard decision, to follow an uncertain path. And you have too. We need to call up these memories often, bathe in them. Allow ourselves to feel that powerful force that propelled us at that time, instilling confidence and boosting our self-esteem right now. In doing so, we can annihilate the imposter. The imposter can and will shrink with every victory we can round up.
YOU ARE BALLS.
Tell me your stories in the comments below.